Stepping at a very steep stairs is to have faith that if anything happens, I will always be rescued.
After all that I had wrote and said, even if at the end the world had seen me desperate and sounds like pleading, I don’t care. Though they strongly disagree or hate me for what I did; it is a way to allow my thoughts to be free. It is my life to rule, why will I always keep considering what others may react, if we’ve got our respective lives to mind. For whatever results from every decisions that I made, I must face it. My works will bounce back to me. I couldn’t make everybody to like me but to show myself up true to them.
It is not the words that hurt, but the pain brought by the difficulty in conceding. I’m aware of the flaws that I had, and will find means to heal my wounds. If you sought to cure, I’ll listen; but if the intentions are to harm me, your knife’s sharp edge targets yourself.
I am so thankful to God that He wants me to learn and extend my breath to push through. Though it’s been tough, I knew that in His will, I prosper.
All of these are written as reference, to observe the impact on readers and to myself. Where will my advocacies and views lead me? I’m hoping that the book not solely for me to benefit, but to positively affect one’s awareness in reality.

In this book, I had claimed you to be mine and me to be yours. No words I had heard from you, and no trace of certainty. I have been building my dreams, accompanied by the hopes that soon it would be ours. I don’t know why am I doing all these. Why is it you? What reasons? Though you weren’t here with me, a part of me lives within a vision of you and me together.

I may have learn how to stop, but not now; it would be tomorrow…

Haven’t you think of me, not even once?
Haven’t you got any plans to see me?
Haven’t you ever imagine us sharing laughter in a day?
Haven’t you anticipate the chance to talk to me?
Haven’t you ever waited for my open arms, not wanting to embrace me?
Haven’t you ever wished to kiss me; wouldn’t you find out your real feelings towards me?

Asking me back, I honestly had done more than these,
Had think of you many times,
Had wanted to see you,
Had imagined to be with you,
Had been reaching out to you,
Had let you know that I still care, and
Had kept this yearning for years.

No matter how hard to hope for the unseen, even if it is so bleak I had chosen to hold, wishing for someday
… it would be mutual
… that you’ll realize that you are so much loved by me

… even if you’re not yet mine
or never will I call you my own….

To all,

Have we seen the quality of life we are in?
Have we asked ourselves why we are here?
What are the reasons why we are living?
Have we tried to be selfless?
Am I of great help to others or a burden to some?
Are we self-centered?
Are we lifting others or dragging them down?
Are we doing inhumane treatment so as to gain more?
Am I a source of pain or cure?
What is more often; makes other mad/ cry or laugh?
Am I a good influence or crooked that multiply people of bad character?
Are we stubborn and inconsiderate?
What kind of reasoning we frequently practice, justifiable or alibis?
Are we willing to change or stick with the imperfections?
Are we thinking for the better and for the sake of everybody?
In works done, are these made for own relief or for the convenience of all?
Do you want to have an observance of sufferings?
When you are in certain shaky situation, which is most likely you want for others, to be on the same state or hoping that they wouldn’t encounter the same?
Will others hate you because of doing what’s righteous or wicked?

Answering these questions will able to show where we stand, if actions are to serve God, or otherwise, might found out that we weren’t moving for our own favor….

For Bachelor and Bachelorette
Break up leads closer to the person meant to you.

Depression in sufferings
So much pain, already had reached its extent; sum it up in one blow, because tomorrow as huge as it is or greater the blessings are about to come.

Been cheated, had been a laughing stock
It is not me who’s sinning.

Being played or harmed
Let God saves me and be my refuge.

When been used and left behind
Who is more pitiful, the user or the one being used?
Answer: for the user had made him/herself more junk than the one he/she had treated such.

Getting what/who’s mine
Everything will be shaken, returning back where all of these belong. Whatever or whoever intended to me is blessedly bestowed on me, with clear conscience and proud to make the world know.

Anger
To overcome it after anger was released, forgive them. They were lacking many things: senses (not functioning well), attention, and good sound of mind. Have the compassion for them because they were bringing themselves to ruin.

Being humiliated, receiving negative and untrue criticisms
Have patience on envious, liars, and problematic people. They were just wanted me to felt bad as they are. Defending and explaining myself are enough but if they didn’t listen, they choose to fool themselves. “Wise men knew the whole details then conclude, while arrogant critics based their conclusions on output.”

Being misunderstood
If actions are misinterpreted, words could help; if words are misunderstood, actions will imply. When both words and actions are wrongly judged, your real intention matters.

When afraid
Fears are man-made illusions. God will set me free.

Limited resources
Live within means, earn and learn to save.

When sick/ ill
There are things to ponder.

When in test
To be extra careful because a decision made yields a chain reaction.

In times of confusion
Weigh and see the whole picture at all angles

Encountering mistakes/failures
I have to do something about it. It is not just admitting. Being a human is not an excuse. Consider an immediate act of resolving.

When being punished
Ways on bringing me back into my senses and have a new start towards the right path.

When exhausted and worn-out
I weren’t here for myself but for my love ones.

Sick in waiting
It is better when all are prepared and in the right timing so I can enjoy more.

I feel much better today. I’ve realized that a lot of things I failed to see, hear and feel. I haven’t learned how to appreciate and accept. I’ve been busy looking forward rather than to pay attention on what’s already existing and within reach. If there’s someone that I should work with, the person who’s really willing to be with me and not to compel anybody. Not to convince the world with my thoughts nor to be understood. It is how life was being valued and enjoyed by all. It is a waste of time to enclose onself with bitterness, but to be positive that something good will come along the way. This will be lighter and relieve from stressful wondering on matters that til now offers hollow hope.

Actually, I have been through recovering process. Even if some of these dreams didn’t happen yet or never will; it had appeared so real by the moment these words were already written and published. It gives smile and comfort for a heavy heart. In fiction craft, it came true, the fact that it provided me the chance to express, not to kept it hid and remain sealed. The fear of losing its ownership is also over. Lord had not forsaken me; I was able to get its copyright. Knowing that thousands are reading it makes me not alone anymore. I’m with them in my struggle. Though there are many frustrations, everything will pass and never will stay. There would be happy days. If someone or something I wasn’t able to have; it’s because I deserve better than good, simply the best! I have to sow good seeds and let the blessings flow for everybody to benefit. Life had been tough but made meaningful. The act of learning can possibly cure an empty soul. It may either isolate one from the crowd or reach the lives of those who welcome a knock.

Riding on a bus alone without companion, though there were passengers, literally strangers. Watching the view outside through the window, the noise of the crowd was covered by the silence that’s within me. A smile couldn’t hid a bleeding heart as the eyes can’t be halt to pour out its tears. Been to many places but haven’t reach anywhere. Thought I haven’t included pain packed on my luggage. Out of my suitcase! Not to stay with me. It wasn’t self pity; it is just hope that chase me, bringing me back where I used to. Telling me not to give up of the possibilities for a better route.

Whispering, that I’m almost there, few steps closer.

The will is not as strong as before. Am different now, numb, careless and less in moderation. Hey you fate, your inches is of miles to me!#% If ever I hold on to it, would I able to still feel or the next is to breakdown/ collapse/ fell unconscious… Don’t deceive me again and drive under your spell. Hollow promises, more on difficulty for the taste of imaginary rewards.

How much load should I endure to carry? Am not complaining, just asking and will do it until my last energy already drain to be proven worthy.

Finally am at home, my feet walking along on a grandeur path. The last vision I saw, shinning like diamonds and arms to rescue. This exhausted body had found rest, love and happiness to nestle, as the unseen come into real life.

Prayers are heard, returns of works
had already arrived….

I decided to stop writing my dreams but to focus what I can do today for the future. Not to imagine the future to be of present state. It would only be a disappointment for me if things wouldn’t work according to my vision. I don’t want to get upset. Just to set goals that only concern with one’s own effort, not to include others yet. Maybe I am just expecting too much or nobody is there to support its fulfillment. This struggle is between me and God, considering it as a preparation for whoever its output will be intended. Making it open to all beneficiaries, but ofcourse to meet one’s personal needs. The Lord knows everything that the heart wishes and it depends on Him if He will allow it to be granted or not.

Love comes, love goes, while it is within reach, make the most out of it. Feel it, enjoy every moment and not to spoil by anxieties. Worriness wouldn’t solve any. It would only hampers the continuity of achieving or maintaining a good atmosphere. Just be aware of the consequences of action. Moreover, if you have done a mistake before, it doesn’t mean that you have to ruin or rebelliously make a mess. Don’t create burden for you to suffer and worstly affect others.

Say goodbye to past, to a make believe, to a sham. It’s been too long since I have been a captive of illusion. The shackles of delusion restrict me to move out of the box. To see the world on its real form, to live with the current situation and be awaken in truth. Pain of hoping for the rare finds is enough and embrace what the eyes failed to see. Value what lands on hand, it’s significance relies on how will you react or put it into good usage. As I leave the old me and closes the chapter, it is a whole new spirit learned acceptance, contentment and trust as starting grounds.

Now, I can already breathe well….

I’m sorry if I had wanted to change you. Forbids you from the things that you used to do. I’ve been overly possessive and been nagging everytime I get jealous. It’s because I don’t want to lose you but failed to think that you got your own mind. You might be insulted and deprived of enough respect because I feel anxious and haven’t trusted others. Scared that you might forget me and you, be seen in others’ arms. Due to aging, rooted insecurities and the fear to have a broken home. I wouldn’t ask for you to understand but to help each other to fix everything. Please hold on…

I had witnessed your limitation and so careful not to hurt me in any way. Just do what you want for the family and to your own life. I don’t know if I had made you happy or have been a good wife to you and a mother to our children. At the end of the day I realize that I can’t check you all the time. Neither tie in chains nor kept within the reach of my sight. I couldn’t mold anybody so as to fit my intentions of uniting us as a whole. There would be instances that all have to take different directions; but the thing that I must do is to be there to welcome, when a part of heart longs and initiates to come back. Sigh… If there’s restriction, it is for me not to give reason for everybody not to stay. Sincerest apology for my imperfections, I had tried to give it all but am not consistently capable. Thus finding myself needed to be filled as well. I had always love our family and if there’s a specific requisite for us all to be happily contented, I would had asked God and work for it.

I had paused for awhile and watch my wife sleeps. She’s snorring. Looking at her, hands with callus, back knees with varicose veins, visible wrinkles, eyes and skin are pale, hair dry and unruly. Clothes are old faded worn-out. Why these things had to happen with her? Haven’t I taken care of her or she didn’t fix herself to be presentable? She’s so different right now from before. Though she’s ever since simple but her hair tied, supple thin palm, she silently sleeps. I must have taken half of her load in chores and buy some of her personal needs. She tends to prioritize us first, the least attention she had given herself. We had been busy receiving and developing ourselves while forgetting to return the favor and treat her beyond appreciation. We value her efforts and we’re enjoying the convenience of a good home.

I am so guilty to think of having a curiosity to indulge with younger women, slim and sexually active. Even if that wondering wasn’t permitted to try, the thoughts of it make me ashame of myself. All the time that my wife had been exhausted and already acquired ailment in serving and loving the family; not to be threaten by a selfish stupidity. Why am I being tempted to spend bucks to avail a ‘credit card swiper’ (other woman) if I already have an exclusive free join depositor? Why will I want to lose the essence of pleasure?

Can I endure the idea of being isolated in the society in case I’ll be infected? Am I insulting my manhood that I need to pay? Am I insane to create my own burden and regrets? The fruits of our labor would be in vain if we destroy the foundation by welcoming pests. I am so thankful to God that we had embrace, clean living, though tested but not driven.

I tightly hug and kiss my wife many times. Ask for apology for shortcomings, and thank her for loving us, for loving me. Wife becomes dull because usually loaded, almost 3/4 of tasks that supposedly all members of the family should settle. We became so dependent and relax to do what we want to mind but failed to notice sometimes that she needs our assistance. We should lessen her stress by not making her upset and help her out to gain relief because of her role is really stressful than you can imagine.

She’s trying to be perfect while I am dominant. We’re both aiming to have an ideal life but sometimes one would get tired of it; boredom and suffocating. It may also lead to: one can hardly accept that all accidentally making mistakes, which are inevitable and usual. In that manner, a person could develop his/her weaknesses particularly being inconsiderate (perfectionist), difficulty in listening, self-righteous, a critic, and bound to have a lot of expectations. How about visiting the darker side?

There were instances that what if I had a third party, an intentionally made offense, which is not justified and not permissible? What is most likely might happen after turning left, out of the route of God’s guidance? I might enjoy a different kind of thrill, hiding/lies, a taste of risk, deceitful, fresh sinful desire of fire. A flame of excessive heat, leaving burns; not a medicine that cure but a poison that rotten the bones.

Looking at the possible consequences; my wife might have nervous breakdown and be taken in a mental rehabilitation while our kids will be left for me to shoulder. Or will end to divorce, then the children will despise me and it will appear like I’m just a financial provider. Seeing me as a shame, my love and concern for them are of big question to them. Do I want to start again from scratch? If I’m going to pursue adultery, will just force me to work still, though I’m already old (grayed hair and with feeble knees) to support my legal family and the concubine’s branch/es. Turning back on my good craft, crushing it in favor of infidelity is like choosing to swim in a sea of coal spill than to have a clean bath from our shower.

I’ll ask myself, pondering who’s the person I can’t afford to lose? Who’s with me through thick and thin? In point that I’m nothing, who’s there to accept me? Who takes care of me when I’m sick? When money is scarse, who will still be there? Will I endure my conscience when she died due to depression that I had caused her? Will I never miss the cheers of my original wife, sons and daughter? If I’m going to have it all (including wickedness) under one roof is a hell; me surrounded by coffins and empty laughs with bleeding heart. Is that the happiness/joy that I’m seeking? Will I let the pain fill in the gaps or to bravely face the ups and downs of marriage; thus not moving out to escape the challenge of holding on to straight principles?