I feel much better today. I’ve realized that a lot of things I failed to see, hear and feel. I haven’t learned how to appreciate and accept. I’ve been busy looking forward rather than to pay attention on what’s already existing and within reach. If there’s someone that I should work with, the person who’s really willing to be with me and not to compel anybody. Not to convince the world with my thoughts nor to be understood. It is how life was being valued and enjoyed by all. It is a waste of time to enclose onself with bitterness, but to be positive that something good will come along the way. This will be lighter and relieve from stressful wondering on matters that til now offers hollow hope.

Actually, I have been through recovering process. Even if some of these dreams didn’t happen yet or never will; it had appeared so real by the moment these words were already written and published. It gives smile and comfort for a heavy heart. In fiction craft, it came true, the fact that it provided me the chance to express, not to kept it hid and remain sealed. The fear of losing its ownership is also over. Lord had not forsaken me; I was able to get its copyright. Knowing that thousands are reading it makes me not alone anymore. I’m with them in my struggle. Though there are many frustrations, everything will pass and never will stay. There would be happy days. If someone or something I wasn’t able to have; it’s because I deserve better than good, simply the best! I have to sow good seeds and let the blessings flow for everybody to benefit. Life had been tough but made meaningful. The act of learning can possibly cure an empty soul. It may either isolate one from the crowd or reach the lives of those who welcome a knock.

Riding on a bus alone without companion, though there were passengers, literally strangers. Watching the view outside through the window, the noise of the crowd was covered by the silence that’s within me. A smile couldn’t hid a bleeding heart as the eyes can’t be halt to pour out its tears. Been to many places but haven’t reach anywhere. Thought I haven’t included pain packed on my luggage. Out of my suitcase! Not to stay with me. It wasn’t self pity; it is just hope that chase me, bringing me back where I used to. Telling me not to give up of the possibilities for a better route.

Whispering me that I’m almost there, few steps closer.

The will is not as strong as before. Am different now, numb, careless and less in moderation. Hey you fate, your inches is of miles to me!#% If ever I hold on to it, would I able to still feel or the next is to breakdown/ collapse/ fell unconscious… Don’t deceive me again and drive under your spell. Hollow promises, more on difficulty for the taste of imaginary rewards.

How much load should I endure to carry? Am not complaining, just asking and will do it until my last energy already drain to be proven worthy.

Finally am at home, my feet walking along on a grandeur path. The last vision I saw, shinning like diamonds and arms to rescue. This exhausted body had found rest, love and happiness to nestle, as the unseen come into real life.

Prayers are heard, returns of works
had already arrived….

I decided to stop writing my dreams but to focus what I can do today for the future. Not to imagine the future to be of present state. It would only be a disappointment for me if things wouldn’t work according to my vision. I don’t want to get upset. Just to set goals that only concern with one’s own effort, not to include others yet. Maybe I am just expecting too much or nobody is there to support its fulfillment. This struggle is between me and God, considering it as a preparation for whoever its output will be intended. Making it open to all beneficiaries, but ofcourse to meet one’s personal needs. The Lord knows everything that the heart wishes and it depends on Him if He will allow it to be granted or not.

Love comes, love goes, while it is within reach, make the most out of it. Feel it, enjoy every moment and not to spoil by anxieties. Worriness wouldn’t solve any. It would only hampers the continuity of achieving or maintaining a good atmosphere. Just be aware of the consequences of action. Moreover, if you have done a mistake before, it doesn’t mean that you have to ruin or rebelliously make a mess. Don’t create burden for you to suffer and worstly affect others.

Say goodbye to past, to a make believe, to a sham. It’s been too long since I have been a captive of illusion. The shackles of delusion restrict me to move out of the box. To see the world on its real form, to live with the current situation and be awaken in truth. Pain of hoping for the rare finds is enough and embrace what the eyes failed to see. Value what lands on hand, it’s significance relies on how will you react or put it into good usage. As I leave the old me and closes the chapter, it is a whole new spirit learned acceptance, contentment and trust as starting grounds.

Now, I can already breathe well….

I’m sorry if I had wanted to change you. Forbids you from the things that you used to do. I’ve been overly possessive and been nagging everytime I get jealous. It’s because I don’t want to lose you but failed to think that you got your own mind. You might be insulted and deprived of enough respect because I feel anxious and haven’t trusted others. Scared that you might forget me and you, be seen in others’ arms. Due to aging, rooted insecurities and the fear to have a broken home. I wouldn’t ask for you to understand but to help each other to fix everything. Please hold on…

I had witnessed your limitation and so careful not to hurt me in any way. Just do what you want for the family and to your own life. I don’t know if I had made you happy or have been a good wife to you and a mother to our children. At the end of the day I realize that I can’t check you all the time. Neither tie in chains nor kept within the reach of my sight. I couldn’t mold anybody so as to fit my intentions of uniting us as a whole. There would be instances that all have to take different directions; but the thing that I must do is to be there to welcome, when a part of heart longs and initiates to come back. Sigh… If there’s restriction, it is for me not to give reason for everybody not to stay. Sincerest apology for my imperfections, I had tried to give it all but am not consistently capable. Thus finding myself needed to be filled as well. I had always love our family and if there’s a specific requisite for us all to be happily contented, I would had asked God and work for it.

I had paused for awhile and watch my wife sleeps. She’s snorring. Looking at her, hands with callus, back knees with varicose veins, visible wrinkles, eyes and skin are pale, hair dry and unruly. Clothes are old faded worn-out. Why these things had to happen with her? Haven’t I taken care of her or she didn’t fix herself to be presentable? She’s so different right now from before. Though she’s ever since simple but her hair tied, supple thin palm, she silently sleeps. I must have taken half of her load in chores and buy some of her personal needs. She tends to prioritize us first, the least attention she had given herself. We had been busy receiving and developing ourselves while forgetting to return the favor and treat her beyond appreciation. We value her efforts and we’re enjoying the convenience of a good home.

I am so guilty to think of having a curiosity to indulge with younger women, slim and sexually active. Even if that wondering wasn’t permitted to try, the thoughts of it make me ashame of myself. All the time that my wife had been exhausted and already acquired ailment in serving and loving the family; not to be threaten by a selfish stupidity. Why am I being tempted to spend bucks to avail a ‘credit card swiper’ (other woman) if I already have an exclusive free join depositor? Why will I want to lose the essence of pleasure?

Can I endure the idea of being isolated in the society in case I’ll be infected? Am I insulting my manhood that I need to pay? Am I insane to create my own burden and regrets? The fruits of our labor would be in vain if we destroy the foundation by welcoming pests. I am so thankful to God that we had embrace, clean living, though tested but not driven.

I tightly hug and kiss my wife many times. Ask for apology for shortcomings, and take her for loving us, for loving me.Wife becomes dull because usually loaded, almost 3/4 of tasks that supposedly all members of the family should settle. We became so dependent and relax to do what we want to mind but failed to notice sometimes that she needs our assistance. We should lessen her stress by not making her upset and help her out to gain relief because of her role is really stressful than you can imagine.

She’s trying to be perfect while I am dominant. We’re both aiming to have an ideal life but sometiimes one would get tired of it; boredom and suffocating. It may also lead to one could hardly can accept that all accidentally making mistakes, which are inevitable and normal. In that manner, a person could develop his/her weaknesses particularly being inconsiderate (perfectionist), difficulty in listening, self-righteous, a critic, and bound to have a lot of expectations. How about visiting the darker side?

There were instances that what if I had a third party, an intentionally made offense, which is not justified and not permissible? What would mostly might happen after turning left, out of the route of God’s guidance? I might enjoy a different kind of thrill, hiding/lies, a taste of risk, deceitful, fresh sinful desire of fire. A flame of excessive heat, leaving burns; not a medicine that cure but a poison that rotten the bones.

Looking at the possible consequences; my wife might have nervous breakdown and be taken in a mental rehabilitation while our kids will be left for me to shoulder. Or will end to divorce, then the children will despise me and it will appear like I’m just a financial provider. Seeing me as a shame, my love and concern for them are of big question to them. Do I want to start again from scratch? If I’m going to pursue adultery, will just force me to work still, though I’m already old (grayed hair and with feeble knees) to support my legal family and the concubine’s branch/es. Turning back on my good craft, crushing it in favor of infidelity is like choosing to swim in a sea of coal spill than to have a clean bath from our shower.

I’ll ask myself, pondering who’s the person I can’t afford to lose? Who’s with me through thick and thin? In point that I’m nothing, who’s there to accept me? Who takes care of me when I’m sick? When money is scarse, who will still be there? Will I endure my conscience when she died due to depression that I had caused her? Will I never miss the cheers of my original wife, sons and daughter? If I’m going to have it all (including wickedness) under one roof is a hell; me surrounded by coffins and empty laughs with bleeding heart. Is that the happiness/joy that I’m seeking? Will I let the pain fill in the gaps or to bravely face the ups and downs of marriage; thus not moving out to escape the challenge of holding on to straight principles?

Our elder son on his freshman year in College consult us about groups inviting him to join them. Good thing he’s open to our opinion regarding activist and fraternity. Most of the time, principles from these organization are interpreted and executed the wrong way.

Activists. These were yelling for reform, waiting for imediate action from the people concern. They tend to forget that walls are blind and deft, and rarely respond positively towards complain. They were saying that they were the victims of the rotten system. Why they were drenching themselves to more deplorable state, skipping classes, hunger strike or sacrifice a day work? Why would one waste his time and productivity for the hopes on uncertainty? Assuming that the result would be for long term. Ironically, the reality is, more of thinking what others could do for you rather than to do something; not to be conquered by such limitation. Too close to set aside studies and might probably wouldn’t able to finish. You can do more of the changes you want if you strive hard to achieve goals with whole will and righteous means.

Fraternity. Hazing is stupidity, loyalty couldn’t be demonstrated by blood clots or series of rod hits. Pain shouldn’t be the reason of holding back, staying is to gain and give something valuable. Not to inject revenge, worldly wicked schemes and wrong concept of brotherhood. Violence seeker grabbed you away from activities that are worthwhile and rewarding. Showing hatred to restrictions and rules; but an abuse will all end up to a more narrow space and soon an empty self.

Don’t embrace death, a chain reaction to slip your feet near the cliff edge, allowing yourself to be a prey, an air-headed fighter bragging without honor.

Choose your company that wouldn’t corrupt your character. Be involve with the cluster that could develop you into a better person. There are a lot of options, open your eyes and learn to screen….

(Citation: video from youtube.com made by 856MiiSsiinqYhUuJaZz)

Last time, I asked my X about circumcision, how it is being done? He laughed when I queried, “Is it being sculptured?” haha…. He explained and told me to check it when I already got my son and compare it to his father. I just remembered the past, now that I and my husband are raising kids to adolescence stage. Our son is already develop to a handsome young man, just like his Dad. While our daughter, simply beautiful and sought-after, I only got one step ahead of her when it comes to looks, joke haha….

This is the phase, which curiosity is at high, and stupidity could lead into risk. Innocense could keep them away from mistake for awhile but once informed by wrong sources could drag them into consequences.

To expound further, when youngsters asked, we could say it’s the synonym for gender, which pertains to male and female. Then teens would again mention the same question; we could define it as the process where gametes formed a zygote. Now, they are reproductively capable, merely Science would not be enough but to discuss it with a dose of Psychology. Is sex should be practice or avoided? It is positive after marriage and negative when made in advance. The big follow-up word “why?” When you decided to settle down, it is the point that you are ready to take the responsibility of having children. Financially and emotionally stable, thus permitted. While doing it without commitment would give burden and will be force to sacrifice the things that you shouldn’t. It is more on loses if you want to have it earlier. Gains are of temporary but oblige to pay thrice. Easier to get into but difficult to move out. Having it with the wrong reason and entertained aggressiveness would most likely place you being taken advantage, treating you as a playing material. Worstly, if you’re having it with a person who had sexually transmitted disease acquired from multiple partners, it may cause you illness or even death. During those period, you’ll be emotionally disturbed.

Then a very alarming query, it makes no difference, one could have those even if you tied a knot and under vow or legally honored consent, right? Don’t haste, rushing feet to the road of misery… to be driven by weakness of the flesh. Why will you choose a sure dagger instead of a rose with thorns?

On or before marriage could be successful or failure, no one could definitely know what tomorrow could bring.

We can’t afford to scold our children for their line of reasoning but to let them speak and think for themselves. We are only here to guide. “People most of the time creating their own problems. Complaining to God and blaiming it on others. The fact that you tend to destroy your life due to carelessness for oneself. Don’t mess with your and others’ lives. There are a lot of ways to enjoy, and don’t be tempted on what are currently restricted. Bitterness comes next on those who prefer to be stubborn and unruly. You don’t need to experience all for you to learn and to be strong. Your senses and the ability to stay firm with good principles are the strength that is already within you. Only needs to maintain and hold on to it. If majority tells you that one should passed and undergo everything to be a better person; it is just to extract or have a good attitude out of the odds.

-Which will you like to avail? To get what you can still consume from decayed fruits or eat fresh food on your platter?

How could you be happy, if you’re choosing what’s bad or of poor quality for you? Don’t insult yourself, it is not what you deserved. We knew that nobody is perfect but don’t make it as an excuse. Why will you justify the things that lead to self destruction? Wish to know hardly what love really is, so you’ll have its glory and not to be your downfall. Prevent to do harm.”

Nice that a question had somehow shifts from adult issue to slight matter. They asked, “why we are not discipline the usual punishment like hitting with a rod, spank, or in any harsh form of striking?” Do raising hands could make crooked straight? (disciplinary action implemented).

“Having your arms upwards means asking God for awakening, and you are given the chance to explain your side. As parents, we want all of you to obey not because of fear but to follow as a sign of respect, and the willingness to understand what are being adviced to you. Learn to weigh, heard what’s best for you and listen to opinions, so you knew how to handle differences.”

We discipline our son today, as a punishment his hands will be raise upwards and recite the prayer on the wall (refer daily prayer, Category: To Our Lord) Then while his arms are in that position, we let him speak his reasons for his actions. When he didn’t want to say anything, he must do the raising while we explain what he needs to change. This is what happen this afternoon:

Our child answered the seatwork fast, then when the teacher is lecturing, he was found reading the next chapter that is supposedly for tomorrow’s topic. “Young man, are you listening or you can’t catch up what I am discussing?” He boastfully answered, “I already knew it, why is it you don’t want me to have advance reading? Then he was asked to stand up to continue the discussion and he was able to explain exactly what are written on the text. The mentor smiled and queried, at first he had got it right but on the second question, wasn’t able to answer. “Not all are listed and learned in books, there are still a lot of things you didn’t know. Don’t rush; not to overlook on the essentials.” He fixed, left his seatwork at the table and leave.

Now, “we didn’t oblige you to know everything. Your advance learning will be made not during the lecture. Reading beforehand was being done for you to participate well in the next class, and to lessen your difficulty in understanding your lessons. Nothing is wrong about studying ahead, but you should have it during vacant hours or at home.” Then he defended himself, “I was insulted and underestimate my capability. I’ve been hurt because she crushed my self esteem, disturbed my momentum and stepped on my ego.” Then we further explained, “it is your arrogrance that brings you to shame. You weren’t at the school to prove something or of possesing superior intelligence but to fill-in your limitation and humbly listen. Build yourself up with the right attitude and have good grades so your confidence stays with you. Have wisdom so you will know how to use knowledge correctly. Values strengthened your personality, to put it into application, right practice. Free yourself from pain so you could enjoy life, ok.” He hugs us and asked apology, then say sorry to his teacher the next day.

It feels good that I am now covering books, buying school supplies, preparing snack for youngsters and teaching techniques in studying in an easier way. We make it enjoyable learning lessons and find time to play mind games. Their Dad trained them in chess and I enhanced their vocabulary through scrabble. In sports, father and son are into basketball while I and daughter in badminton. During vacation in elementary level, the children are a month taught by hired teacher; eldest on saxophone and youngest on piano. Then we encourage them to present during programs and ocassions. We are also planning to enroll them in a taekwondo class when they step into high school. In college, they will be oriented on what life comes next after graduation on their chosen field. Once a year, we schedule to have either take the kids to a nature trip like beach, mountain or to a mall to buy what we all needed and eat in a food chain or fine dine. We are spending just enough and worthy of being purchased or to wisely avail long-lasting and valuable. Every holidays like yuletide seasons: Christmas and New Year, we visit our parents so they’ll be able to hug their grandchildren. On the usual Sundays, we read Bible, then we told our kids,

“for every wonderful things that is happening in your life, first give thanks to God for He is The One who makes it possible then second to the instrument/ channel who had deliver it to your hands. Whether it’s coming from another people or from your own effort. Always remember that you are not living for yourself alone. What you are today is not solely your own strength but only borrowed from God. It may be taken away anytime, downfall in arrogance and exalted in humility.”

Years passed so fast, that I remember a baby sleeping above my husband’s chest while I place a blanket to warm them, but now all grown up Loves asked me, would you want us to have a baby to learn violin? Haha … ) if God will allow us again, why not?