To Ruthlessly Deeply Wounded

She’s trying to be perfect while I am dominant. We’re both aiming to have an ideal life but sometimes one would get tired of it; boredom and suffocating. It may also lead to: one can hardly accept that all accidentally making mistakes, which are inevitable and usual. In that manner, a person could develop his/her weaknesses particularly being inconsiderate (perfectionist), difficulty in listening, self-righteous, a critic, and bound to have a lot of expectations. How about visiting the darker side?

There were instances that what if I had a third party, an intentionally made offense, which is not justified and not permissible? What is most likely might happen after turning left, out of the route of God’s guidance? I might enjoy a different kind of thrill, hiding/lies, a taste of risk, deceitful, fresh sinful desire of fire. A flame of excessive heat, leaving burns; not a medicine that cure but a poison that rotten the bones.

Looking at the possible consequences; my wife might have nervous breakdown and be taken in a mental rehabilitation while our kids will be left for me to shoulder. Or will end to divorce, then the children will despise me and it will appear like I’m just a financial provider. Seeing me as a shame, my love and concern for them are of big question to them. Do I want to start again from scratch? If I’m going to pursue adultery, will just force me to work still, though I’m already old (grayed hair and with feeble knees) to support my legal family and the concubine’s branch/es. Turning back on my good craft, crushing it in favor of infidelity is like choosing to swim in a sea of coal spill than to have a clean bath from our shower.

I’ll ask myself, pondering who’s the person I can’t afford to lose? Who’s with me through thick and thin? In point that I’m nothing, who’s there to accept me? Who takes care of me when I’m sick? When money is scarse, who will still be there? Will I endure my conscience when she died due to depression that I had caused her? Will I never miss the cheers of my original wife, sons and daughter? If I’m going to have it all (including wickedness) under one roof is a hell; me surrounded by coffins and empty laughs with bleeding heart. Is that the happiness/joy that I’m seeking? Will I let the pain fill in the gaps or to bravely face the ups and downs of marriage; thus not moving out to escape the challenge of holding on to straight principles?